Within Yourself [note: trigger warning]
Dear E.,
You have such a great presence about you . . . grounded, kind, gentle, self-aware. The fact that you are in the service industry makes complete sense. You are a giver.
And yet, when you read my mother's story, a chord was struck within you. Specifically, you could relate to her struggle for balance, and wanting to be a better role model for her family.
Trained over a lifetime to ignore your own needs, you knew that these yearnings would require a shift in how you see yourself. You could choose: to imitate your mother's meek and mild ways; to push against that role and become the opposite in defiance; or to break through on your own uncharted path.
But in truth, it's not that simple. There's a whole other layer of complexity to what you want and need.
Truth . . . you want to do more for yourself.
You want to be a role model of strength and self-care for your daughter.
You want to feel beautiful.
Yet when we spoke together about your Why for getting involved in exercise, I didn't see it coming. I didn't see the rush of emotion that would overcome me when you shared your childhood of sexual abuse. I didn't expect the flood of sadness in learning that your mom knew of the abuse . . . that you told her of how your dad would touch you . . . and she still didn't do anything to stop it.
And yet, out of it, you have risen with a strength that most of us cannot know. You have done all that you can to forgive your father, and even accepted his apology many years after DCFS had to take him away. You have walked straight into the storm of honest love and made peace with your mother's weakness and negligence.
And here you are now, coming for help in this next phase of your life . . . moving back into your body . . . the one that you once had to abandon . . . simply to survive the pain and block out the anger.
You have such beauty within you and it resonates out. Add to it your conviction in wanting to overcome the years of living outside of yourself . . . and I can already see that you are a force.
In your first training session with me, it was clear . . . that although this is not without its challenges, you are ready for the fight. Instead of timid or cautious, you embraced and then charged through the rowing, pushups, and ring rows.
Your household growing up might have inhibited the expression of your wants and needs . . . but it clearly did not drive them out. You are so clearly capable of living within yourself.
Now is your chance to own it.
I am grateful for the opportunity to be your trusted guide at this point in your life . . . to help you look up from the daily responsibilities of life to experience blood flowing through your veins. By sticking with your new routine, you will find yourself grounded solidly within your body more days than not. And then unexpectedly, the day will come when your gaze will relax upon the surrounding view, and the scenery will take your breath away.
At that moment, perhaps for the first time, you will fully know your strength, power, and beauty . . . beacons of light for your daughter to follow and someday make her own.
- Coach Rebecca